On the other hand, a child can develop what researchers call a pattern of “insecure attachment” to a person that they love. For example, in the laboratory task described above, a toddler who is “insecurely attached” may continue to cry and search for her mother, for fear that if she takes her attention away from her for even a moment she will never come back. When mom returns, the child feels angry with her for being left alone, and even though mom is back the child doesn’t feel any better. Another pattern of “insecure attachment” demonstrated in the laboratory is when a child doesn’t even acknowledge that their mother is gone or that she has returned, because the child has learned that is isn’t okay to show that she missed her mom. It may seem strange, but both of these strategies are ways children have learned to keep their mothers close without becoming overwhelmed themselves or making their caregivers angry with their needs. Children who use these “insecure” attachment strategies love their parents too, but as you can imagine, it is hard for them to feel very safe (Ainsworth, M. Blehar, M. & Waters, E. & Wall, S., 1978). These patterns of expectations and interactions with others are carried out into the world, and make it harder for insecurely attached children to trust other adults or make friends with peers (Sroufe, 2002).

You bet! When a baby is born, the limbic system, or the part of the brain associated with strong emotions is already functioning at a very high level. For the next six months, emotions become more and more associated with experiences. By ten months, happy and sad experiences begin creating electrical activity in the outer part of the brain, the cortex. The cortex is where, among other things, conscious thoughts and ideas are processed. This part of the brain will keep growing and making new connections for many years. It is the growing connections between the limbic system and the cortex that allow a toddler the very beginnings of control over their big emotions (Denham, 1998).

The process is a difficult one though, and toddlers are easily overwhelmed. What makes these connections stronger? You do, with attention and practice! When you help your child label his feelings, notice other people’s feelings, and try different ways to cope with his strong emotions, you are building pathways of connection in his growing brain between feelings, actions, words and relationships. With practice, these pathways get stronger until they are the normal way for him deal to deal with his emotions, even when you aren’t there to help. That means that when they are upset, they may feel less out of control and be able to “calm down” more easily (Gunnar, Broderson & Nachmias, 1996). Sound familiar? That’s right, it all comes back to your child’s relationship with you.

A secure attachment encourages a child to turn to their parent to help them regulate big emotions. As a result, children who are “securely attached” have also been found to have an easier time regulating their emotions, have more strategies to cope with upset feelings, and understand the emotions of other people better (Howes & Matheson, 1992).


It’s a lot easier than it sounds. A baby’s ordinary, day-to-day experiences of being responded to when they cry, smile, or need a diaper change gradually form connections in his growing brain between emotions, actions, and the responses of his parents or caregivers. When you are changing a baby’s diaper and respond to his sounds or make faces when he does, you may not be thinking about attachment or brain development, but you are creating a secure attachment. It is these simple early experiences of being cared for and responded to that make an infant feel safe. As he grows into a toddler, that sense of safety and acceptance will make him feel secure enough to explore his world, and check back in with you when he needs reassurance. A toddler needs an adult in their life who is a “Secure Base” (Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters & Wall, 1978). This means supporting their exploration when it is safe, setting limits when necessary, and allowing the child to return to you for reassurance or comfort when they need to.

No parent can!

The interactions between parents and their young children are full of disruptions, miscommunications and misunderstandings. That’s typical in today’s families. Fortunately, “secure attachment” doesn’t depend on perfect interactions with your baby every single time. In fact, researchers have found that perfectly in-tune moments happened less than 1/3 of the time in typical pairs (Tronick, 1989). What makes a relationship feel secure is the ability to “repair”. Your child can feel safe in the understanding that when mistakes or disagreements happen, you will pay attention to the cues they are sending, try to understand what they need, and behave differently in the future. There is always another chance to connect. The “Circle of Security” intervention developed by the Marycliffe Institute suggests that parents can best be responsive to their child’s attachment needs if they keep these ideas in mind:

“Always be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind. Whenever possible, follow my child’s need. Whenever necessary take charge.” (Marvin, Cooper, Hoffman & Powell, 2002). In other words, let them know you love them, encourage them to be independent and be there when they need you.

Sometimes, responding to your child this way may come very naturally. But parents are people too, and sometimes being bigger and stronger can be very hard to do! Parents can sometimes find themselves feeling smothered when their child constantly needs them, or feeling hurt and resentful when their child acts like they don’t need them. It’s natural that this will happen sometimes, which makes it more important than ever to keep in mind what your child’s needs really are. Instead of thinking “this makes me uncomfortable – he’s too big to run to me every time he’s upset,” try thinking that if he knows he can come back to you and be comforted, he will feel safer to explore and play. Being aware of the attachment process can help you avoid sending a child confusing messages, and support them in feeling secure (Marvin, Cooper, Hoffman & Powell, 2002).

Attachment begins at birth and continues to strengthen as your child grows. It all comes down to your relationship with your child. The more secure your child feels, the more confident he will be to explore the great big world! Your love, support, and encouragement will make a big difference to your child’s healthy social and emotional development. In other words, your parenting counts!